Heart Fails To Flutter

July 7th, 2011

Why do you get this sinking sensation when you look over at your husband one morning and your heart fails to flutter? What if you’re not in love with him anymore?

A woman calls her friend, panicked. “I don’t think I’m in love with my husband anymore!” “What happened, ” her friend asks. “I don’t know,” the woman wails, “I look at him and all I see is this guy who happens to be my husband – I don’t get tingly or happy or anything.” Oh my,” her friend says, “Maybe it’s that end-of-honeymoon thing.” “No,” the woman replies, “We’ve been married 5 years and I always got that special feeling around him. Now it’s gone!” “Well it’ll come back,” her friend says, “But what if it doesn’t,” the woman cries, “What am I gonna do? I don’t want to get a divorce!”

Well of course you don’t – and it’s not called for anyway. Love changes, it develops and grows over the course of time, and as it does, you feel differently. The heart flutters of the first few years often deepen into a richer, slower, more secure feeling.

Instead of panicking, deliberately help your love deepen. Look at your husband with new appreciation, make lists of the qualities he’s developed as you’ve been together, the qualities you’ve come to value over time, the ways in which he’s contributed to your life, to your well-being. As you do, you’ll find a new depth of feeling which may surprise you into falling in love all over again.

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Husband Resents Time With Kids

June 20th, 2011

Why does your husband get cranky when you spend time with the kids? Why is he so demanding of your time when he knows you don’t have any!?

A woman laments: “I don’t get it, Mom, he sees me dealing with the kids – diapering one, holding the other back from hitting the cat, and chasing the third down before he runs naked into the street – and all my husband does is get home from work, plop into the couch and complain “We never go out anymore”?!” “Men are like that,” her Mom says sympathetically. “Yeah, well, it’s driving me nuts,” her daughter replies, “It’s bad enough I’ve got the 3 kids yanking at me all day long – I don’t need him yanking at me too.” “He’ll get over it, dear, “Mom says, “Why don’t you buy him an easy chair?” “I don’t think that’ll do it, Mom,” her daughter replies, exasperated.

She’s right – it won’t. But how do you deal with your husband so he isn’t yanking at you?

Don’t coddle your husband, involve him. Tell him, “Honey, I’d love us to go out more often. Here’s what you can do to help me with the kids so we can do that.” Give your husband a specific list of things to do – written down. Men typically respond very well to written lists.

Everytime he does something on your list, praise him enthusiastically, tell him what a terrific husband he is, and how sexy he is when he helps you out. Then go out – have a great time – and watch his crankiness dissolve.

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Bad to Worse Day – Now What?!

June 10th, 2011

Why is it that when one thing goes wrong, it seems everything starts to go wrong? It’s like you wake up on the wrong side of the bed and somehow it’s all downhill from there?

I’m at the vet, waiting to get my dog’s annual checkup – not his favorite thing,  although he likes all the face to face with cats, and iguanas and other strange beasts  – when a German Shepherd sweeps in, dragging his poor owner barely hanging on to the leash,  behind him. “Rex, stop,” she’s imploring, not that that does any good. Rex skids to a stop at the reception desk, where his owner heaves a big sigh, and says, “OK, we’re here. for the vaccine clinic.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” the tech says, “’The vaccine clinic is tomorrow, not today.” “Great,” the woman says, “What’s next? This morning the car wouldn’t start, the battery is dead, I got a flat on the way over, the school called to tell me my son’s in trouble again, I missed my dental appointment, I’ve got an excruciating headache, the dog threw up in the car, the vaccine clinic is closed, and this was supposed to be a mental health day. Life sucks.” And with that she yanks Rex, who now of course refuses to budge. “Maybe I’ll just leave him here,” she says.  “Oh, no, you can’t do that,” the tech quickly says, scrambling out from behind the counter, “Here, I’ll help you get him to the car.

Been there, oh so many times. Somehow you have to cope, but how? How do you cope with a day where it all goes wrong?

Don’t generalize. A series of unfortunate happenings in a day does not add up to “life sucks.”  When you start saying “life sucks” to yourself, you’re on the road to a nasty depression. Instead, stay specific. Say ‘”The car wouldn’t start. OK, it’s not life-threatening, and it’s probably time to get a new battery. Better the car shouldn’t start in the morning than stall on the freeway.” Your son’s in trouble? Take it as a wake up call, an opportunity to get some things straightened out. The vaccine clinic is closed? Take a deep breath, make an appointment for the following week.

The more you’re willing to stay specific in the face of a series of untoward events, the more likely you are to take care of things efficiently. Take it “One thing at a time” and life will be OK, even on a day when it all goes wrong.

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Glamour of Business Travel… Uh-Huh

May 19th, 2011

Why is it the first thing you think of when your lover says he has to travel on business is “What about me?” Why is that narcissistic yelp the first thing out of your mouth? Why, no matter how good your relationship is, do you instantly visualize abandonment?

I’m washing my dog at one of those do-it-yourself places, and in the tub next to me is a St. Bernard, whose owners are having this not-too-happy discussion. The guy is saying “But it’s just for 3 weeks, honey,” and Honey is saying “But I’ll miss you,” “And I’ll miss you too,” says the guy, “but this is a great opportunity,” and Honey says “I know, but I’ll miss you,” in this plaintive tone of voice. There’s a long moment of silent St. Bernard washing. Finally the guy says, “Look, I gotta do this, OK?”

There it is. That awful fear that if you’re “out of sight” you’re somehow “out of mind” and he’ll run off with the first cutie who does the slow eye-dance with him.

When really, the question that should pop into your mind is: How do you stay connected? How do you keep your love alive across the miles?

Here’s how: Don’t begrudge your lover his opportunity. If it’s great for him, it’s great for you. Jump up and down at how thrilled you are. Help your lover dream the benefits of this opportunity, help him strategize how to make the most of it, cheer him on to his success.

In other words, share the opportunity with your lover. “United we stand, divided we fall” is more than just an historical quote.

When you talk while he’s out of town, spend more time on “How’s it going” than on “Are you missing me?” Shared experience is what makes a relationship. Share his, and watch the miles between you – disappear.

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Hate To Excerise

May 13th, 2011

Why don’t you exercise when you know perfectly well you should?  Why do you keep promising yourself you’ll join the gym – but never get there?

You’re huffing and puffing as you climb the stairs at work, irritated with yourself because you know you should be in better shape than this. It’s getting harder to get your energy up in the morning, and you feel awfully rundown at night. You’re well aware that exercising regularly would change all that, but you just can’t seem to pull it together to get yourself into the gym. Let’s face it, you hate exercising. Doing aerobics or running on a treadmill is your idea of torture – and a spinning class? Forget it, you’d rather die on the rack. So what to do?

Don’t exercise. Anything you hate while you’re doing it isn’t going to benefit you in the long run. So don’t exercise. Instead, find an activity that you really enjoy, that involves using your body and muscles actively, and do it regularly.

For example, square-dancing requires lots of quick and agile movement that’s great for your body; so does salsa dancing, or learning the tango. Dedicated bird-watching requires hikes up and down mountains. Going for long walks with your dog will do wonders for your heart  – and your dog’s disposition.

In other words, look for ways to exercise your body that don’t feel like exercise. Your body will get the benefit and your mind won’t resist, ’cause of all the fun you’ll be having while you’re doing it!

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Guy Buying Girlfriend Clothes

May 6th, 2011

Why do some guys think they have the right to tell you what to wear or how to wear it? What is it about guys buying clothes for you that feels great but weird at the same time?

I’m at the mall, and I can’t help but notice a very dashing young man selecting clothes for his girlfriend to try on. “Mmm, that’s not really my type,” she says, of one of the outfits, “Oh, you’d look great in it. Try it on – for me,” he says, handing it to her. “OK,” she says, giving in. And when she comes out of the dressing room, he raves about it, and says to the salesgirl, “We’ll take it,” even though his girlfriend says “I don’t know, Honey, I’m not sure it’s really me.” He gives her a quick kiss, saying “You’ll get used to it,” and hands her another garment.  A shopper watching them says to her friend, “I wish my boyfriend would do that. Boy is she lucky.”

No, not so lucky. Because whether she realizes it or not, she’s being shaped by her boyfriend into what he wants her to be. She’s not being loved and respected for who she is. Yet the whole idea of a relationship is for two people to come together and share their differences, as well as their commonalities.

When your boyfriend insists that you dress a certain way, he’s not appreciating your uniqueness. He’s only wanting to love someone who will please him. And that’s not love. That’s control. Sure, we all do things to please our lovers, but there’s a world of difference between choosing to do something and having to do it.

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Boyfriend and Friends Don’t Mix

April 22nd, 2011

Why is it that your boyfriend and your friends just don’t mix? Why do you get the distinct impression you have to give up your friends to please your boyfriend?

I’m at the car dealership, waiting for my car to be serviced, and a woman nearby is finishing up a conversation on her cell. The guy sitting with her is shaking his head. She turns to him, “What?” “Why did you invite them to dinner?” the guy asks, “You know I don’t like them.” “I thought you did like them,” the woman says, confused. “Well, I don’t,” the guy replies, “He’s stupid and she’s boring.” The woman stares at him, “You don’t like any of my friends, If you had your way I’d never see anybody but you.” The guy just smiles.

Yup. She’s right – and that’s not a good sign.

You see, when a guy wants to limit who you see or spend time with, the end result is he’s cutting you off from the very valuable feedback and support your friends and family give you. As romantic as it may sound to have your world revolve around just the 2 of you, it’s not a good place to be. You need the objectivity, caring and sense of perspective your friends and family give you. A healthy relationship expands to include people from both your worlds, making for a very interesting mix.

Adjusting your social schedule so you have more time with your lover is fine – giving up your friends and family to accommodate your lover is not.

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Watching Your Words With Ex

April 14th, 2011

Why is it anything you tell your child ends up coming out of your ex’s mouth all wrong? How does your ex manage to twist your words no matter how carefully you say things?

Your child comes back from his usual “Dad” weekend, all moody and out of sorts. You ask “What’s wrong?” He mumbles the usual “Nothing’” but eventually comes out with “Dad says you don’t have time for me.” “And why does he say that?” you ask, shocked. “Cause you said you wouldn’t be calling over the weekend” he replies. You could scream. You couldn’t call because you were at a business retreat out in the boonies and your ex darn well knew it, but that part he chose to ignore. You’re beside yourself. You’re sick of having to watch everything you say – yet what else can you do?

Quit walking on eggshells! Your ex is still angry over the divorce.  Mis-interpreting or mis-communicating your words is one way he’s expressing his hostility. He isn’t going to stop just because you re-phrase what you have to say, he’ll just get cleverer at how he does it!

So say whatever you have to say to your son, and when your ex twists it all around, say to your child, “Dad mis-understood, Honey. My cell phone wouldn’t work where I was, so I couldn’t call. I always have time for you,” and give your beloved child a big hug. That’s it. No anger, no hysterics, just the facts. Your child will get the message – and your ex? Who cares! He’s your ex.

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Sexist Car Repair Woes

March 10th, 2011

What is it with car repair people that they totally do not believe you when you say “Excuse me, but my car still isn’t fixed.” Why do they just stand there saying “Well, it was fine when you picked it up yesterday” when the dang thing started sputtering all of three blocks away from the shop?

And why does this happen to every woman you know and never to a guy?!

You’re no fool. You know perfectly well your car wasn’t fixed right, and you really resent being made to feel like one. You’d love to give these people a piece of your mind, but that won’t do any good and besides, you still need to get your car fixed! What to do?

Arm yourself with information.

Write down exactly when the sputtering started again, where it seemed to come from in the car, and anything else that seems relevant. Then, go back to the shop, look the head mechanic right in the eye, and in a pleasant, confident voice without any “maybes,” or “sort ofs” or anything like that, read off your list.  Ignore any noises the mechanic makes like “Well, it was fine when you picked it up,”  just smile and say “I will be back at 5 p.m. to pick up the car, and since I’m sure you guarantee your work, I’ll expect the problem fixed at no charge. Thanks.” 

If the mechanic says anything, write it down. Writing things down tends to get people’s attention and it’ll probably make your mechanic appropriately nervous.

You may need to practice this approach with a friend a couple of times to get your confidence up, but oh is it worth the look on the mechanic’s face!

One for the sisterhood, YAH!

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Mother in law’s annoying drop-ins

March 3rd, 2011

How does your Mother in law always manage to drop in when your house is a complete mess and you look like a Survivor reject? Why can she never show up when everything’s peachy keen?

You stand there dripping wet, doing your best imitation of a drowned cat, clutching your towel under your armpits as your Mother in law, in full makeup and heels at 6:30 in the morning, says “So nice to see you, dear, may I come in?” The kids are running around hysterically, the TV’s blasting, your dishes are piled sky-high and you know your Mother in law’s judging every last bit of disorder and you hate it! But what can you do? You can’t very well shut her out.

No, but you can restrict her access. Just because she’s your Mother in law doesn’t give her the right to pry into your life. Which is exactly what she’s doing with her unannounced visits.

Be proactive! Get a peephole and don’t open the door when you’re dripping wet. Invent a new game with the kids called “Happy time for Grandma” where you reward them for transforming into little angels the minute she hits the doorbell. If the house is a mess, say “Oh Mom, I’m so glad you stopped by. I’ve been dying to get out of the house. Let’s go for a coffee” and get her out of there quick!

Now you can have the pleasure of your Mother in law rather than – the pain.

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